Humorous Quotes

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It's a spooky feeling to screw Moses.

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By: Rosalind Cash

Context:
Actress Rosalind Cash speaks of her love scene with actor Charlton Heston in their film The Omega Man.

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Vincent Vega: In Paris, you can buy a beer in McDonald's. And you know what they call a "Quarter Pounder with Cheese" in Paris?

Jules Winnfield: What, they don't call it a "Quarter Pounder with Cheese?"

Vincent Vega: They got the metric system there, they wouldn't know what the fuck a "Quarter Pounder" is.

Jules Winnfield: What do they call it?

Vincent Vega: They call it a "Royale with Cheese..."

Jules Winnfield: "Royale with Cheese..."

Vincent Vega: That's right!

Jules Winnfield: What do they call a "Big MAC."

Vincent Vega: A "Big MAC's" a "Big MAC" only they call it "Le Big MAC."

Jules Winnfield: "Le Big MAC!" [laughs]. What do they call a "Whopper."

Vincent Vega: I don't know I didn't go into Burger King. You know what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?

Jules Winnfield: What?

Vincent Vega: Mayonnaise.

Jules Winnfield: God damn [Cringes]!

Vincent Vega: I seen'em do it, man, they fuckin' drown'em in that shit!

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By: John Travolta | Samuel L. Jackson
Characters: Jules Winnfield | Vincent Vega
From: Pulp Fiction
Genres: Action | Crime | Cult Cinema | Exploitation

Context:
The opening scene from Quentin Tarantino's cult classic Pulp Fiction. The conversation takes place between co-stars Samuel L. Jackson (as Jules Winnfield) and John Travolta (as Vincent Vega), just after the opening credits as the two men are driving to their current assignment.

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Social media has made y'all much to comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the face for it.

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By: Mike Tyson
Genres: Action | Sports

Context:
Iconic boxer Mike Tyson makes a comment after an incident on an airplane with a fan led to the legendary athlete striking the fellow passenger with a closed fist multiple times.

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I’d start with 'Hello. I hope this show helps cheer up the ordinary people watching at home. If you’re unemployed for example, take some comfort in the fact that even if you had a job, your salary probably wouldn’t be as much as the goody bag all the actors have just been given' ... and then: 'I’m proud to announce that this is the most diverse and progressive Oscars ever. Looking out I see people from all walks of life. Every demographic under the sun. Except poor people, obviously. Fuck them.'

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By: Ricky Gervais

Context:
Before the 94th Academy Awards presentation in March of 2022, British comedian Ricky Gervais was asked what he would say onstage if he were hosting the ceremony.

source: www.hollywoodreporter.com,  

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Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen!

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By: Bill Paxton
Characters: Private Hudson
From: Aliens

Context:
Bill Paxton as Private Hudson in James Cameron's 1986 sci-fi epic Aliens. Hudson - while doing a satellite sweep - thinks he's found a group of missing colonists on a mining colony set on a distant moon. What he actually found were incubated and/or dead colonists, along with a pack of not so friendly alien creatures.

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God dammit, I'd piss on a spark plug if I thought it'd do any good. Let the boy in there major!

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By: Barry Corbin
Characters: General Beringer
From: WarGames

Context:
Barry Corbin as General Beringer said this to skeptical colleagues who were preventing computer hacker Matthew Broderick from trying to shut down an A.I.-enhanced computer system in John Badham's 1983 film WarGames. The system - called "WOPR," short for War Operation Plan Response - was based at a NORAD command center in Washington State and was attempting to start Global Thermonuclear War as part of a computer simulation gone wrong.

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You'd have better luck picking up a turd from its clean end.

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By: Michael Cudlitz
Characters: Sgt. Abraham Ford
From: The Walking Dead

Context:
Sgt. Abraham Ford (Michael Cudlitz) says this to Dr. Eugene Porter (Josh McDermitt) during The Walking Dead Season 6, Episode 14, titled "Twice as Far," which originally aired March 20, 2016. Ford says in response to Eugene calling dibs to eliminating the threat from an approaching walker.

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Let me ask you a question. When you were pouring the bisquick, were you tryin’ to make pancakes?

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By: Michael Cudlitz
Characters: Sgt. Abraham Ford
From: The Walking Dead

Context:
Sgt. Abraham Ford (Michael Cudlitz) asks the question to Glenn Rhee (Steven Yeun) during The Walking Dead Season 6, Episode 11, titled "Knots Untie," which originally aired February 28, 2016. Ford, who's reevaluating his own relationships with women, seems shocked that Rhee and his wife Maggie Greene (Lauren Cohan) are purposing looking to have a child in the world as it exists, in its post-apocalyptic, zombie-filled state.

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  • "Look deep within yourself and you will find the answer. Especially on September 9."
  • "You're cute when you're desperate for information."
  • "The only hint I can give you right now is a hint of lime. And that there's a big announcement on September 9."
  • "I can neither confirm nor deny that I am not authorized either to confirm or deny that I cannot disclose anything that you would then have to confirm. In any case, I would deny it. Got it?"
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Characters: SIRI

Context:
Apple Computer sent out a media invitation for the company's upcoming product launch event on September 9, 2015. On the invite, Apple wrote "Hey Siri, give us a hint," regarding what products and technologies will be revealed at the event.

Apple programmed these responses to the phrase "Siri give me a hint".

In past years, Apple has held its media events at its corporate headquarters in Cupertino or at Moscone West in San Francisco. In 2015 the event was held at the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium in San Francisco.

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I don’t have any money if that’s what you’re after. And I’m not one of those girls that does weird stuff in bed because they think they have to. If you’re a gay guy looking for a beard, I don’t do that anymore. And if you’re trying to harvest my organs and sell them, I have an uncle who’s a cop so don’t even try it.

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By: Tina Fey

Context:
Tina Fey as Liz Lemon on the NBC show 30 Rock. (Season 1, 2006, Episode 11)

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Would you patent the Sun?

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By: Dr. Jonas Salk

Context:
Dr. Jonas Salk said when asked by a journalist why he never applied for a patent for the world's 1st Polio vaccine, which he invented. He gave it to the world instead.

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I'm you, except with bigger tits!

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By: Elvira
Genres: Parody

Context:
Since Jon Stewart showed Elvira's picture last week on his show, comparing the "Cult Cinema Icon" to congressional candidate Christine O'Donnell, she has decided to make her very own paid political announcement.